Thursday 29th Jun 2017 (1:16am)

Members' Features

Urban Legends

Urban Legends


You can never be too careful about the quality of tinned tomatoes.


813 should actually read 'It is impossible to go to Stockholm and NOT make fun of all the signs' oops


It is impossible to go to Stockholm and make fun of all the signs.


The seawater in Eastern Sweden is absolutely Baltic.


Mini-pigs. Like normal pigs but smaller.


Legend has it that Facebook has done for this site what the M6 did for Shap. Where have the legends gone!?


Some skills you have inherently, you just need the opportunity to demonstrate them.


BUCS WWR and slalom have a better procedure for checking entrant qualification than University Challenge


Legend has it that the next generation of the DUCC Council recently arrived in the world. Congratulations to Tom and Tam!


Materchef demands the characteristics of DUCC legends, and allows for hide and seek during bites.


In days of yore when chaps far outnumbered girls in DUCC one ambitious lady fresher impressed the old hands by confidently assuring them of her ability to write her name in the snow.


30cm of thin elastic might just save you lots of fumbling, grumbling and muttering when participating in extreme sports.


Pre-ski attire can never be too dapper


There is a 50% chance some thermals are not roadkill


Just because you can't work out which thermal is roadkill doesn't mean it's OK to wear, it means you should consider the state of your other thermals


The kiff of a Helly you found lieing on a road may be able to compete with your knarly backside air


Roadkill Helly lives on, expanding its range of extreme sports


The lure of a good woman can change the mind of even the most intransigent fellow


Legend has it that Gwyn wil NEVER get married


Matt Corke - the tall guy


Every man should be complemented on his meat at least once in his life


The Tyne Tour and in particular Phat Kats makes a great marriage proposal location. Congratulations John and Claire.


The Tyne Tour makes a great honeymoon location, Ali's a lucky lady.


Congratulations to Mr & Mrs Longhurst


Colleagues of Basil Fawlty were told 'don't mention the war'. Friends of Alex Bellis are advised 'not to mention stamps'. You have been warned.


When every bit of your car has been replaced the roof rack may join in the random fault fun.


Did I mention about stamps...?


If you put a stamp on an envelope then collect it unposted you would expect the stamp to still be on the envelope


It is rude and possibly illegal to remove a stamp from a pre-paid envelope


Stamp theft is dreadful


Who needs someone to dance with when you have a lightsabre?


Stamp theft - the greatest threat to civilisation


The word Durham has an H in it, producing Tshirts without the H will make you and all wearers look a bit silly.


Sitting near the front at a comedy gig is dangerous, you may be recognised by your pick on blind date and make out with the comic.


It's slightly galling when you log in to post a new legend only to find that someone has just beaten you to it. Flying otters may cause this.


Otters can fly.


Legend has it that it is impossible to do the Spean Gorge without then heading off to do the Arkaig.


Sometimes it rains in Glen Coe. Other times it ABSOLUTELY LASHES IT DOWN. If you find yourself there in the second instance, the Coe Gorge cannot be recommended highly enough (but watch out for trees lurking at the bottom of eddies!)


Shower curtains ruin the flow of shower-to-toilet chunder transitions.


Actively encouraging people to "Spank that Mat" may make Mr Winder nervous


If you drink 6 pints of bitumen you will have a headache the next morning.


Operation Shock and Awe. Despite the rest of Western Scotland being practically washed away, you might be shocked to find the Awe has no water.


A while out of boating? make sure high brace practice isn't neglected


A sing along in a scottish pub is fine and inviting until an impromptu flower of scotland breaks out


Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff


The floors in Gretna services are clean enough to eat your food off


Matt Winder is too tall to be any good at the limbo


The roads in the Glen Coe area are poor due to the tar being diverted to the local brewery.


High tide in Norway, that'll be Fjord Sea Max


It IS possible to keep hold of your paddles when swimming, it just takes a bit of practice.


It's possible to tell if people aren't from Leigh, if they're "nice"


Blueberry jam, from nice idea to breakfast hell in a week.


Following 704 and 705, congratulations to Mr & Mrs Griffiths nee Willey.


Sometimes there's no one about with the seniority required to give a wayward squaddie the roasting they require, necessitating a long drive to receive the roasting


Not all bar staff appreciate the finely honed bodies of Her Majesty's army.


Sunburnt shins are a danger when wearing youth board shorts.


There comes a point when post paddle beers no longer pass muster, at a certain age a good G&T is what you really need.


Need to know the depth of a sea inlet? Use a Fjord Probe


If the mountain pass ahead of you is closed it's time to resort to inter-car tig and extreme hack to the surley indifference of the traffic control lady.


The most salubrious accommodation in Bergen is found right on the dockside. It's a lot cheaper than the beer as well.


Do not underestimate the homoerotic allure of a half-eaten bowl of Mr Whippy icecream


As Buzz Aldrin says "second comes right after first"


Pete 'the pioneer' Harker just pipped Tom Ives to become the first ever Englishman to swim on a certain Norwegian river.


Norwegian fjord-side farming: in decline


Flirting with (rare) Scandinavian lovelies on a Norwegian ferry? Fjord pick-up?


12 year old girls are officially "a bit young to fancy" even if they can sing well.


Dyslexic grandparent on a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Granada


the phrase 'surfing the elbow wave' does not apply only to the Tryweryn.


Transcript from Norwegian radio station: Jurgen hurgyon skyap fryrj gyoppyjn 'He's gone all Emo'.


No Fear used to make gung-ho tee shirts proclaiming 'snow is only frozen water'. Lightning paddles are unlikely to use this flippant comment in their next advertising campaign.


French holidays break people. Norwegian holidays break paddles.


Wildlife watchers in Norway have caught fleeting glimpses of an escaped big cat living next to a tidally flooded valley. Experts are travelling to the area to ascertain whether it is a Cougar or a Puma.


Sometimes you can be so embarrassed upon realising just how foolish you have been that the only possible course of action is to shout 'NO!' really loudly and run off to be by yourself for a while.


Experience (and legends 726 and 727) indicates that 'rail boofing*' sticky drops may not be the ideal technique. *AKA falling in at the top of the drop


Norway makes a great holiday destination if you can afjord it.


Ideal three armed inlet - Model T Fjord


Bright collection of stars seen from the sea in a flooded U shaped valley - Fjord Galaxy


Person charting new areas of Norwegian seawater inlet - Fjord Explorer


Wieners - the protein source of all champion athletes


Inclusion in the FODUCC calendar should be the primary aim of any paddling trip.


Beware of unpromising flops


Need a new roof rack in Norway, head to Halfjords


Darkness is an overrated part of the night, much better to be able to read a book/ play cards for 24 hours a day.


Finding it difficult to hold onto your broken paddles, why not stick bits of them into your flesh to keep them safe.


Claire Beale - Serial paddle hater


Ulla slides, sometimes the boat is keen but the body's not.


Norwegian farmers don't bat an eyelid when their farm is invaded by dozens of boaters, the river running through their land only having had 7 boats down it previously.


The Lancashire Hotpots are an under appreciated band in Norway, this is being rectified by their album being played in full on (very) local radio


Swimming towards the light after a trashing is interesting, by the fourth stroke you may be wondering if you are going in the right direction.


Swim Karma takes a very dim view of a slightly gloating commentary over a video of your mate's boat getting a working in a drop.


Taking a photograph of a glacially formed seawater inlet - make sure it is in Fjord Focus


George Clooney isn't in 'No Country For Old Men'.


Brothel on a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Escorts.


Ferry across a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Transit.


Futuristic powerstation on a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Fusion.


Horse running alongside a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Mustang.


Party on a Norwegian inlet? Fjord Fiesta.


Norway is a world centre for poker.


Think you've paddled a river really well and want to boast about it? Make sure that two girls haven't got on behind you and done it in half the time.


Norwegian weather is variable.


Like driving and short ferry crossings? Why not set off towards one end of Norway and wait for the phone call from your mates asking you to go to the other end.


The River Wasburn often plays host to top class river racing events. Rumour has it that the BCU is currently considering a new 'get to the finish line and strip off' category following a recent successful demonstration event.


The lower tryweryn - pin city


Paddles under the boat - the move of champions, irrespective of what silky skills follow


Attending firends' stag do? Why not make the most of your time by having a family reunion?


A speeding Porsche is no match for a fully laden Corolla


Legend has it that you don't usually bring your sister to a stag do.


Get over yourself


Legend has it that thick snow and sub-zero conditions should be confined to the months before April.


Need to travel 1 hour along the A59? Why not go via Tebay?


And congratulations to Mr & Mrs Winder. DUCC weddings being a bit like buses.


Legend has it that nobody has ever used this page to pay anyone a compliment. Time to change that by offering congratulations to Mr and Mrs Ives and wishing them all the best for the future.


On 15th March the world learned of the newest excuse for swimming: "I didn't swim - the Niggies pushed me in and pulled my deck"


Legend has it that this page can be a useful source of reference material.


"Oh my God we're going to die! Oh my God we're going to die! Oh my God we're going to die!"


Legend has it that the members of the Friends of Durham Canoeing are a wild and zany bunch and that 700 amusing or noteworthy things have happened to them up to 3rd March 2008.


The 'stag do chunder batton' was recently passed from Tom to Alec. I wonder where it will end up next?


Legend has it that Matt is afraid of living in places that are easy to find.


Legend hs it that women that wear Playboy Bunny outfits should be easy to buy drinks for.......


Some childhood skills are never lost. Riding a bike and the ability to be picked last for football are two of these skills.


Legend has it that legends should refer to paddling related activities, this is clearly ridiculous.


The youngest participant shouldn't end up the most injured from an hour of gentle footy.


Chris has the silky soccer skills, right up until he finds himself standing on the ball, then lieing on the floor.


Only the truely unobservant would burn their hand on a Sambucha glass then proceed to burn their mouth on the same glass.


If you have missed the hints of the highly visible flame and the name on a Flaming Sambucha you would hope that the temperature of the glass and the smell of burning skin coming off your friends might give a clue of the warmth of the beverage.


Who would have thought they'd see Matt with braided long blond hair wearing psychedelic clothing and a bra?


It's not always necessary to know where drinks come from to down them, if however they are green and in a pint glass it pays to ask questions.


Remedial lessons are available for quad bikes.


Those organising stag weekends should identify themselves with the O brand.


Flaming Sambucas are hot. The word 'flaming', not to mention the actual flame, ordinarily makes this quite obvious.


Not all quad bikes are the same. Some are more difficult to ride than others.


Camp tiger - Grrrrrrrrrrr


Brokeback mountain pink cowboy 2006, Mad Max 2007, Bearded Lady 2008, there's always one per slalom party.


Seat Leons can catch fault diseases from each other, do not park one trigger's broom next to another for fear of them comparing notes on imaginative way to break down.


Picking up sycamore keys is legendarily naughty


Legend has it that 12 months after being treated wood should not still smell of creosote, the judging shelters lead this wisdom to be doubted.


Super Mim shouts at students / With her megaphone / Suuuuper Mim / Suuuuper Mim / Super Mim


Every paddling event should have one Emo and one Rah in attendance.


Don't boast too much about how good your car is; its next move may well be to deposit its exhaust on the road.


Email blocky, a game requiring some refinement.


There are only two important landmarks in England.


Ugly House promises to turn the straightest of girls.


Make the most of your weekend by combining romantic country walks with important Lancashire ditch scouting. Just don't expect your girlfriend to be overjoyed at the ulterior motive for the trip.


Seal launching into a monster swirling eddy might cause a few problems and, eventually, a swim. It'll be entrtaining for those watching who pushed you in though.


When it is too dark to see the river in front of you it's probably a good time to call off your live baiting boat rescue plans.


When on a BOATing trip it might make sense to take a BOAT with you when planning to rescue a jettisonned boat. Otherwise a simple rescue will prove impossible when you find yourself swimming across a flooded river.


They say that pride comes before a fall. Beware of being proud that a passing lad has asked you if your paddling is going to be on telly for he will shortly ask you if you need any help getting up having fallen on slippy rocks.


The people that run Conwy Falls Cafe are lovely and will go beyond the call of duty to keep chilly canoeists warm. Their plum cake and brownies are ace too. You should go there at once and buy tasty things.


Some people like to nothing better than plunging into a wet beaver in the dark, dressed in neoprene whilst tied to a tree by a harness. Each to their own I guess......


Many things can cause you to lose concentration on a river. Financial worries, works troubles, deciding what to have for tea tonight, or maybe even thinking of your girlfriend getting jiggy with a female friend.


Legend has it that Tom Ives can predict where rain will fall two months in advance. Good lad!


Buying two boats in a weekend could be argued to be quite extravagant. However, throwing the first of these boats away down the River Conwy, never to be seen again, just so you have an excuse to buy the second one most definitely IS extravagant.


Legend has it that Rob Exon can inspire artists commissioned to create fine paintings used for decorating curry houses.


Struggling to gain access to a Welsh pastie shop for your lunch? Try pushing the door…… after all, how hard can it be to get in?


"exciting as a one off"


It's destiny that you become a world renowned paddler if your parents christen you "Eddy Hopper"


You know nothing about an animal until you know its gestation period.


Satnav knows best - it "might" be taking you on a shortcut.


New and improved speed shuttle - get off the river and immediately drive to the top of another, leaving boats, kit, cars and paddling buddies at the previous one - a technique requiring some refinement.


"I have never" can have a cathartic effect on relationships.


Found your stopping distance includes the back couple of inches of the car in front of you? You'll need an AA man to zip-tie your hire car back together.


Reasonably priced cars do not come with reasonably good brakes.


"Nearly £100 of gunwaling" should be guarded with your life. If you must sleep whilst on guard, protect it from the gunwale bears by placing it in a high tree.


Hexham makes a handy stop off between Ontario Province in Canada and South Island New Zealand.


Beware of "particularly uneven cobbles" when on your mountain bike.


Legend has it that it is possible to fall off a stationary bicycle over the handlebars, this is of course ridiculous.


Destroying two tents in a weekend by falling on them does smack of boisterousness.


Find yourself unexpectedly getting into a row with a chap in a small Billy-no-mates tent? Don't be surprised if you start to talk in a broader and broader Yorkshire accent. "Was it 'eckers like"


Got a big and exciting question to ask someone? If so, try and do it in a world renowned location of stunning natural splendour. The Grand Canyon should fit the bill nicely, as does the flat bit on the North Tyne just upstream of Hexham.


I have never done press-ups in a pub.


Legend has it that it is acceptable to throw peoples possessions around a muddy field and then try to pick fights with them, all because they put their bag on the floor near your crap tent.


Some Fjords are one way only!


Nick is a sex pest and has the dance to prove it.


Sams twin brother lives in a carpark at Dombas. Photographic evidence is available to prove this.


Wearing sunglasses at night can make you look a bit silly if you then ask someone to turn the car headlights on because it looks dark.


Legend has it that barring international incidents, Team Bird will be back in the habit at TT 2007


You can open your car door using Spiderman style eye rays if you hold your remote key to your head


No C in your Quiksilver logo - you've been had


It is a fact that business meetings would all finish in a timely manner if they were scheduled to start one hour before My Name is Earl


Walking through a bull's field can challenge his masculinity. Don't be surprised to hear him loudly asserting said masculinity once you are out of sight. Go get 'em big boy.


Don't be surprised to see other pairs of gentlemen out together when inspecting rivers near local beauty spots on a Friday evening.


Norwegian homes for the elderly have surprisingly poor A&E facilities.


No matter how knarly you are seal launching is the most dangerous thing you can do - guaranteed to end in traumatic injury.


Forgotten to buy your loved one a Christmas present? Find yourself in the bathroom with them on Christmas morning? Why not make the best of a bad job by proposing? - All is forgiven.


It's perfectly normal for people to want to drive around Wales in a crash helmet.


Flooding may strike the south west without giving enough rain for exciting Lancashire projects


If scouting random ditches don't forget your plimsolls


DUCC came 2nd in the British Universities Whitewater Rafting championships - congratulations!?!


There are 2 DUCC alumni calling themselves 'Stig'!


It is possible to have a "slight sense of panic" about pan grabs.


Chicken cordon blue


Wombat poo IS square.


Whenever you disembark from a river earlier than planned you will be much closer to the start than you expect.


The i grec shuttle exists only in theory, its application being thwarted by lack of water.


Slalom appeal completed - another legendary effort.


"These girls are quite superbly mad" - Claire appreciates the current crop of freshers.


Walking into a room and mentioning Nick Ayre's name can cause girls to go red for many minutes.


Legend has it that 5 minutes on the wear is more than enough to relive old memories.


Charlie et al seem rightly concerned about having to become "proper people".


Legend has it that pictures of Rich "definitely have breasts".


When going about one's normal business it is possible to think of many legemds that need adding, unfortunately when faced with a computer screen they all disapear from your mind.


Piere Kay has not fared as well as Peter. Ail Pain.


Beware of pizza restaurants not serving pizza.


Devon knows how the French make Creme Anglaise so creamy.


Following a 1,000 mile drive, being injured and not being able to paddle would get most people down in the dumps. However, being asked how to pronounce the word 'breast' by a woman of French persuasion can offset the depression. Every cloud etc...


I fought the Law and the Law...negotiated a very reasonable price for our impertenence towards a 'stop' sign.


The French are a very trustworthy nation. They will not steal your car, no matter how easy you try to make it for them.

608 Oh arse - it was a Toyota Yaris!




If, having arranged to drive diagonally across France you decide this is actually a bit much for you, fiegn illness and your Girlfriend will take on the driving duties while you wretch in laybys.


C'est Bon


If driving the length of France has left you unsatisfied in previous trips it is possible to organise to drive diagonally across France to go paddling, thus increasing the joy of Autoroute driving.


Hobbling males should not take their zimmer frame/ luggage trolley into the female toilets for fear of being further ridiculed.


Luggage trolleys make fine zimmer frames for the more adventurous.


3rd place in a world championship competition should guarentee you legend status. Top marks to Emma.


Calling shorts that are longer than knee length "youth shorts" or refusing to turn up the volume on the car stereo because it hurts your ears, are clear signs of middle age, and just getting a bit past it. This may happen quite late in life, but in some cases it kicks in around the age of 29!


3rd place in a world championship competition should guarentee you legend status. Top marks to Emma.


"Fat woman in a van" is a truely legendary game for a road trip.


Flip Flap could be better named Flip-Thwap from our Pyrenean adventurers' exploits.


To keep passing dogs away from your new boat it is best to have it scent marked by a French mongrel soon after you acquire it.


There are several towns in France in which it is not possible to buy a Croissant.


The 2007 Fronton tour ended in a draw.


The traders of Carcassonne carry only a single roof rack for a citroen C4, finding a second requires a full tour of the city and a handy diagram of a spanner.


Sam Henley is most definitely NOT a member of the Caravan Club


Legend has it that it is possible to paddle a river faster than 1km/hr, experience of the Pyrenees shows this not to be the case.


Dog body bags make excellent seat covers.


On finding a sweet looking drop someone has to go first, when you find all 4 members of the group standing below it holding a throw bag someone has to break or you'll be there all day.


Agriculture and Antique are very similar and easily confused words.


There comes a point where the collective age of a trip is too high and bodily breakdown is inevitable.


Never underestimate the luxury that is sitting down and having a poo. The phrase 'you don't know what you have until it is gone' has rarely been more appropriate


It pays to be cautious around stale baguettes. Those who have dropped their guard around crusty bread have been known to suffer from abrasive injuries


If you decide to visit the French Pyrenees in April do not be surprised if you find them closed


Latest research indicates that French donkeys prefer to be naked


If you heard that you can get 60 litres of fluid from a cow, your first guess would probably be milk. This guess would, in fact, be wrong.


If you wear elbow pads you will not hit your elbows on anything


Should you put your back out on a padling trip and be unable to walk, your best course of action is to rush to a supermarket and buy a boom handle to use as an impromptu walking stick. If you do so, expect the Gandalf and Jake the Peg gags to come thick and fast.


Broom handles are not allowed on aeroplanes


Contrary to popular belief it is occasionally acceptable to laugh at people in wheel chairs. Especially when they have been acquired in a swap for a French broom handle


Trousers do not maketh the man; just because you wear 'youth shorts' doesn't mean you will be able to handle the relentless pace set by a couple of old timers.


Hefe is Spanish for banana


If you want to eat pizza, try visiting a pizza restaurant. Sitting outside a neigbouring bar patiently waiting for your pizza order to be taken is unlikely to lead to your cravings being satisfied.


Legend tells of the date 18th April 2007 on which Chris' legendary organisational skills finally showed their falability. An historic day.


Some people will go to extra-ordinary lengths to get a head start on the opposition in a competition, to the extent of arranging a meeting then not showing up because they are training for polo. This would be more effective if any of the people in the meeting would be competing against them, but you can't be too careful when the BUSA polo is at stake.


If trapped in your second undercut of no return it is permissable to climb the shaft of Ard Schaeftlein.


The DUCC Friends network can count amongst its members some of the worlds most famous Fronton athletes


You may be either a maniac of the plastic or sensitive of the ankles.


French campsites should have Fronton fields.


Speak now or forever hold your piece. Une joke du coq, as they say en France.


What time does the polo start? When does it finish? What are we doing about food? - Pete displays the symptoms of acute Bayleyitis


If you should have an anaphylactic shock and are in need of emergency medicine you should, if possible, rush to the nearest darts tournament.


Beware! If you bail out of the Fairfield Horseshoe early, the route down from the top of the ridge to your cake shop of choice may be steeper than you anticipate.


To miss-spell lose once is excusable, to miss-spell lose twice is careless, to miss-spell lose three times smacks of being illiterate.


Alex feels a little chasened when a passing small child thinks it wise to ask if he needs any help.


Dunnerdale has a surprising collection of Chavs.


Some live their lives "Rich style" while the less fortunate live them "Anti Rich", the former are the success stories.


Surely legend 559 should read "....the answer will be the OPPOSITE course of action"!? ;)


If in doubt in any situation in life you should simply ask yourself "What would Rich Williams do in this situation?" the answer will be the correct course of action.


"Pete, you're not as poofy as Alex"


To lose a flask once, careless. To lose a flask twice, stupid. To lose a flask three times.....


Years of ridicule forced Alex to go into print in order to prove that he DOES know what a boof is.


Those sensible enough to have purchased the fine 2007 FODC calendars will have had the joy of spending the whole of February able to see Alex's porn face.


Panic is maybe a bit of an exageration.


Do not expect your "textdoor neighbour" to reciprocate your advances. Only crazy loons would have anything to do with such ridiculous affairs.


Portaging serpents tail on the Dee is a noble course of action, but is acceptable only if your group leader choses to do so..... and you are both paddling squirt boats and don't want to drown.


If you lose your keys, try looking for them in the exact place you left them, rather than texting your friends in a slight sense of panic


It is VITAL that you remember which side of the car the stuntbat was on previously.


Texting your "textdoor neighbour" is quite normal.


"I bet you're glad you're wearing knickers"


Studies show that one in five Prem paddlers will crack a smile at the start line.


"Should I sit somewhere else to make myself more available?" Anna prepares to welcome the students.


Mad Max was this year's pink cowboy.


"You've clearly gone to a lot of trouble but could you tell us what you're supposed to be?" Mad Max goes unrecognised.


Some people should not be given a tray of vodka and oranges to sell, for fear of playing "one for me, one for you"


Great, another F***ing horizon line. Nick lets his nervousness show halfway through (an extremely fast) first trip down the upper dart.


If you are to throw an apple core from the passenger window of a moving car make sure the window is fully open to avoid covering the passenger with apple fragments.


Tobin Ian Bode Skinner


Ray was robbed


An X-Factor Final Party is good fun, just don't try to pretend you've arranged a do that "just happens" to be on the night of TV's most hotly anticipated show.


Rich is only truely drunk when his Beer Gyroscope breaks down and spillage occurs.


Beware of venturing into "Rich Space". You may not leave unscathed.


Pete tells of a legendary scary film in which he jumped out of his seat twice. The BBFC tells of Happy Feet containing scenes of very mild danger. These two facts are related.


Alex and Chris are probably best left to twister on their own, it'll only descend into competitive male bonding.


Poi are made of special goollie magnet material


Beware of ninja girlfriends! They may raise your medical insurance renewal premium.


People go on holiday to have a relaxing time, not to be shouted at by .........


Apparently it's acceptable to miss the Tyne Tour for a works quiz if the quiz goes some way to you removing the word trainee from your job title.


Be sure to have read up on obscure rivers to spot when your mates are taking you for a ride when recounting their paddling adventures.


In the western Yorkshire Dales with walking kit? - expect torrential rain and flooded rivers. In the western Yorkshire Dales with paddling kit? - expect sunshine and shockingly low levels.


Legend has it that E4+1 is actually just E4 delayed an hour. Apparently the same logic extends to Film 4+1. You read it here first folks.


Flip, Sip or Strip...


The coaching mantra that says 'sometimes you need to show the rest of the group it's acceptable to portage' may never be more appropriate than when you are out walking with your girlfriend and you are confronted by a herd of large cows on the footpath you want to walk on.


Bored with red as your car's only colour? Why not give your mate a cup of dodgy coffee before you hit the road? - Within 90 minutes he might be decorating the side of your car beige and orange whilst you drive in the outside lane at 70 mph.


Have you left the essential set of keys in the car at the get in? Need to hitchhike to get them but are concerned about passing drivers wanting your anal cherry in return? - Wear salopettes; every paddler's first line of defence against lonely truckers.


Wearing a white blouse at the baraj is is just an invitation for everyone to try and get it wet.


"Proper" cheese is too smelly to eat.


Some people still think that their are lots of places called "Ausfahrt" in Germany.


When Dick said "just round the next corner its easy I've seen it" it led to a very big suprise for his whole group, Just round the next corner


If you have not had your 5 portions of fruit a day, a bannana split after dinner really helps, however you will have to eat your way round 3 boules of icecream and lashings of whipped cream and chocolate sauce.


You know you're getting old when thermal spas have more attraction than the upper Oetz.


Legend has it that several ex-DUCC members were once let loose on the river Cam and broadsided a boat full of far-eastern tourists. One of them may have even ended up swimming. Stupid punt.


Apparently both Iraq and Florida are "hot and sandy", best not tell your mates which one you're being assigned to unless you want them to think a lot less of the Marines.


Avoid cities being visited by The Pope for stag dos. They may not be the best place for getting tanked up.


A mid life crisis can hit any time, as early as just before your 29th birthday.


Speed Shuttle, Speed Shuttle, Speed Shuttle


Richard's beck, Richard's beck, Richard's beck.


'Sweet child of mine'/'walk this way' - Bah! Same difference


A "lap dance" by dancers dressed as (very naughty) school girls is just the thing to put you in the mood for an improptu tap dance performance.


"Oh! Is this the get-off?" - "No - I'm going for a shit - you want to watch?"!


Aerosmith's well known power ballard 'Sweet Child of Mine' makes a FANTASTIC sing-along driving song.


When borrowing a boat to run small drops, it could be considered a gesture of politeness to put your head and body between the boat and the rocks.


Running a medium-sized drop completely vertical has it's advantages. You can pause the video footage and measure the height using the little-known 'Java' unit of measurement.


Anyone planning a trip to Norway should be aware of all the risks. As such, make sure you are prepared to perform magic tricks wearing a big pair of sunglasses and a rubber chicken on your head.


You still need persuading that it is a good idea to go to Norway, even when you are half way across the North Sea.


The weather was awful in Norway in 2001.


Don't let 'love messaging' get in the way of some hardcore boating.


Errr...what's this rifle under your back seat for? Oh, that is for 'fun shooting'.


I ain't afraid of no Gøyst.


Swedophilia is not illegal. If you partake, it merely means you are a fan of volvos and ryvita.


Horses = 1 Point, Moose = 20 Points, Wolverine = 50 Points, Real life Troll = Game over!


All Graveyards in Norway are on the right of the road.


It is possible to run a single drop 5 times in one day and still to barrel into the opposite wall on the last time down.


"I'm all for the countryside but get that cock away from me!" Samantha Willey does not appreciate being woken at dawn by a crowing rooster.


Mikes lines are so bad that being pinned is preferable.


The task of throwing stones across a river is made much easier when the river is turned off


When paddling the North Esk you may, for some strange reason, be reminded of the hit pop song 'It's raining men'.


Be very careful when inviting your close family rock climbing for the afternoon. You can never be quite sure how many friends they will come armed with, or what hideous garments those friends will be wearing.


Some eddys on the North Esk are so perilous that you may need to be rescued from an upside down situation when the water is so shallow your face is still above water. Your galant rescuer is likely to get only wet ankles when coming to your assistance.


Legend has it that Ed and Helen missed a trick not calling Millie "Space".


Scottish rivers are sometimes so warm that a "team roll" is the only way to cool down.


There are two ways down the North Esk, make sure you know which way the other group is going. if they are planning to go the long way round you might get a bit cold at the bottom waiting.


Check the depth of fords before cycling through them, if you neglect to do so you may be forced to streak through a surprisingly full lounge.


Apparently filming yourself running waterfalls isn't always a complete success.


It is very generous of Alex to generate lots of new legends for explanation in the next news letter.


Do not forget to collect your Nectar points.


Legend has it that Chris climbs 15 seconds faster than Alex


Chris looks pretty in pink


It really is possible, even in dry conditions, to make two Scottish rivers last a whole weekend.


There is a big red sign by the side of the A74 that specifically denies Pete entry to Scotland. However near to Dalnaglar castle, Angus is welcome, even if he isn't on the trip.




Alex is a little bit tight. He charges his passengers full price for petrol on boating trips even when his passenger was actually pushing his car for some of the journey.


The AA’s ‘it’s the member – not the car’ policy is extremely useful. All drivers with a penchant for moments of fuelling related misjudgement are advised to ensure someone travelling in their car is an AA member. This member should ideally be capable of running across garage forecourts, waving AA membership cards and shouting “can we have you next please” at men in yellow coats.


Should you encounter ‘fuel related difficulties’ in your car (let us say, for example, your car is a red Seat Leon) the ideal place to break down is in a service station where there is already a nice man from the AA fixing someone else’s car.


Common sense, not legend, has it that when the fuel warning light illuminates on your dashboard it is time to put some fuel in your car.


A new legend was born on the 21st. Well done to Helen (and Ed).


A mathematical sciences degree and PHD does not necessarily prepare you for a bit of adding up.


Some caption competitions run indefinitely, with no sign of an eventual winner


The UK version of "My name is Earl" is being piloted, with a working title, "My name is Stanyon"


Apparently Charlie can't handle the length.


ds-canoeists is BACK!


......and Mike R would have got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids!


Mike R is actually a fisherman in disguise...


Pete and Alex don't paddle grade 5.


Putting cream crackers in your bra is apparently OK until somebody breaks them. Crumbs are much more unpleasant!!


Legend has it that a game of Ible Dible can be more dangerous than a swim on Pont Cyfyng


Laura was the clear winner, in the Ogwen hole riding surf off.


Scrambled egg la la la la la la la la la la!


You would be amazed at how many songs about custard and crumble there are.


Gin, it does exactly what it says on the bottle (Hay Pete)


It is easy to misinterperet "Go as far left as you can see, paddling hard, and once you get there, go even further left" as "bimble down the middle then get pummelled in a stopper for 5 minutes".


"Is there motorway all the way up the M6?" Globetrotter strikes again.


The road to Mike's house looks remarkably like the road to Mike's house.


Only the true beard would be blase with their flasks on a river, safe in the knowledge that their spare thermos is at home.


Tom isn't a queen.


NEVER think that it is funny to remove a girl's antenna without permission. It's just not worth it.


The desert camo outfit is back in fashion in certain small northern towns.


Legend has it that Matt is tall and quiet.


Ensuring that at least one member of your group is carrying a throwline is a sensible thing to do before embarking onto a swollen Lune.


The card dealing/penny tossing dance move is one to rival the 'Stegasarous'.


You can't be a proper canoeist if you don't like cake.


The Lowburn is similar in character to the Roeburn, it just doesn't rain quite so much in the catchment.


There are many ways to run rocky drops. All of which result in the hitting of partially submerged rocks. Only some reshape the front of boats.


Pete owns a special freak magnet shirt, it goes well with his dancing shoes.


"Shut up sums boy!" A geographer lashes out when a raw nerve is struck?


Trampette; small trampoline or office tart?


Age is just a number. It's only relevance is working out how long you need to wait before not having to work anymore.


Legend has it that once upon a time "I have never" was a method of actually getting drunk, rather than a post ironic nod backwards towards days of yore.


You're never too old to win the "freshers pull" award.


Being knocked in and made to swim by a member of your own group who is blindly heading for a surf in his battleship is apparently a hazard for any novice.


Nick makes a convenient place to leave pizza boxes, beer mats, coins, pizza crusts, beer dregs and belts, especially with his rather dashing 'tash.


"I don't understand why they come back every year and have their game of 'I have never' and say the same things each year" One day the current crop of students will understand the way of the olds.


Do not attend the Tyne Tour with your new spouse unless you want to learn of their previous peccadillos.


Apparently smiles is the longest word in the dictionary.


Legend has it that the poster of legend 436 didn't go to the legendary 2005 Tyne Tour where, legend has it, the North Tyne was run on saturday at a great level and 2 runs down a 'cracking level' Alen were achieved on Sunday. Dee shmee!


Legend has it that large numbers of canoeists and cracking river levels are mutually exclusive. Hence the Dee being stonking on Tyne Tour weekend.


If you run a river and then run it again an hour later at the same level it is likely to be quite similar to the first time you ran it. Only French people know this.


Entering text message based radio competitions can be a good way to pass the time on long journeys. Entering competitions hosted by Cumbria FM cannot be recommended, however, as they don’t know the correct answers to their own questions. And they make their contestants sound a bit gay too.


If in dire need of petrol on a dark, windswept night in the wilds of the Scottish Highlands, simply locate the nearest village fete organiser. In these parts of the world a jerry can full of petrol is always the star raffle prize and can be purchased if you offer a large enough sum to the village church restoration fund.


"I am in the midst of a dynamic move, with an elegant poise, a defined intention and textbook body English"


"Ahh, the pleasure of pants"




"I guess shit mates are better than no mates at all"


Apparently the Welsh for new bucket is "new bucket". Yakky Dar.


Mike is firm on the assertion that it is better to keep your paddles on your person rather than in your boat


Importing roof racks from the continent and selling them on Ebay is a highly profitable venture, even when the aforementioned roof rack is second hand.


Google only became popular following the retirement of the purple dome of knowledge. No question was too challenging.


Mike confidently advises that you should keep your paddles on your person, not in your boat.


"What will offend them more, my knob or my arse?" 3 Years after leaving durham, Dick still doesn't know what a towel is for.


Legend has it, everyone should have a favourite plane. If you wish to know how your plane's engines will perform, it is recommended you overlay their torque and power curves.


When writing text messages, Xo Xo Xo O O Qa is a known way of wishing a loved one a happy birthday.


If you are asked "was that deliberate?" the answer is always "yes".


You can't be too careful when traveling in foreign climes. It's best to check if the water is portable, even if you're in Evian.


"Lets be honest the main reason we boat is to take pics and make our mates back home jealous."


Everyone should experience Wonga poisoning once.


Don't worry about leaving your Robson paddles lying around. "No one will want to take them anyway".


"I couldn't learn to cook over the holidays as our Au-Pair got deported!" Who said Durham was full of Toffs?


Email is a wonderful invention, its less so when freshers discover ds-canoeists. Full inbox anyone.


When arranging to meet up at the tryweryn, its generally best to actually be on the same stretch of water in order to meet up. Who paddles the lower tryweryn?


79cents buys you a bottle of fine sparkling wine.


Some girls are skanky enough to wear a helly continually from first practice on Friday night to final run on Sunday at Tulley slalom.


Some people would rather smell of stagnent horse trough water than of someone else's ripe helly.


Legend has it there is a trainee chartered accountant somewhere in the friends group.


You'd be amazed how many times some people can listen to The Levellers without realising some of their songs actually contain some slightly political messages.


Legand has it that Frank Dibney is the second greatest of all the steeple Jacks.


"it's sections like that that remind me just how shit hot I am"


You can't have too much orange kit


Chris and Cher would both like to "Turn back time"


Legend has it that Indiana Jones is a big girlie woofter. James Bond, on the other hand, rocks.


If you spend over £120 on a state of the art canoeing helment, be sure not to put a massive gouge in it by headbutting rocks whilst inspecting rapids.


If on retiring to tents for the night in slight drizzle, the words "its not thundery rain" are uttered, be sure to expect a sleepless night as a 12 hour thunder storm rages around the valley.


Rudi Voller now struts his stuff in French theme pubs.


The Ubaye gorge is no place for messing around.


Michelin have discovered a rare but very rich seam of a rubber mine near the takeout for the Gyr.


Legend 392 is partially incorrect. Gollum actually lives in the French Alps, where he has been seen mincing around in hot pants.


The words 'Adrian' and 'Edmonson' start with differing letters. Should you think otherwise and fly off the handle at their mention, people will laugh at you.


The minority opinion (even of an arts student) can sometimes be right, especially when it comes to assembling gas stoves.


The source of the River Soca is in Gollum's cave, presumably with the Alps being the Misty Mountains. There are currently no hobbits around the place, nor the one ring, but there's always 'one river to rule them all and in the grade six bind them etc. etc.'


"A good day's paddling was had by all, with everyone paddling to the peak of their abilities."


The dance for the village people classic YMCA is not entirely useful for describing the route down rapids in the Ubaye gorge. If that's all the information you have though you'll just have to make do.


Legend has it that a dance-off is not a thing of myth. They do actually occur, and not just in Hollywood blockbusters. Legend also has it that members of DUCC and their close associates are supremely skilled in the art of the dance-off and remain unbeaten in their international contests in French theme pubs.


Flying to the Alps rocks, but not until you've taken delivery of a silver fun bus and visited 'Le Halfords' to buy a roof rack for it.


Being woken up by being face-to-face with a goat is rumoured to lead to sudden outbursts of expletives not suitable for wholesome family websites such as this one.


Snapgate crabs have a strong affinity for scruffy bushes that grow on French scree slopes.


Legend has it that Manchester United's most feared attacking player is the one and only Wayne Wooney.


Passport checks rarely take place in the middle of countries. Hence, even if you think you are somewhere in the middle of Slovenia, having your passport checked probably indicates that you are about to cross the Austrian border. Your navigator should be sacked.


It is possible to go on a paddling trip on which females outnumber males (and on which only the males swim).


Caraway seeds should not be confused with cumin, even if the names look remarkably similar in Slovenian.


You should always suck up to the drivers who pick you up when you're hitching back to the get-on of the Soca. They might just turn out to own the hire company whose boat you've lost (and then retrieved in a different shape from the one in which you first hired it).


Porridge is an essential component of any first aid kit.


There is a free supply of condoms (still sealed) at the bottom of the gorge on the Kornica river, as a reward for running the rapid.


The Soca Valley hosts a very small and gossipy community. If you lose your boat down a gorge, the whole valley will know about it by the next day (including the person you hired the boat from). Everyone that passes you in the next week will stop and say 'oh, you're the guy who lost his boat. Did you find it again?' Even if you are over six feet tall, you will soon cease to feel it.


Swimming is not a good idea when you are a) river leading, b) paddling with only one other person, c) paddling a hired boat, d) your travel insurance doesn't cover kit, and e) there is a grade 6 gorge coming up, waiting to swallow your boat for ever more. One of the above would be unfortunate, but all of them at once smacks of carelessness.


If a rafter offers you a swig from a bottle of 40% it is not only considered impolite to refuse, it is also unwise, especially if he has an already empty bottle of 40% in the bottom of his raft.


It is not only a legend but a verifiable fact that the word Slovenia is an anagram of 'Loves Ian'. Countries, however, show their love in strange ways.


Some people don't find french 4+ rapids exciting enough. They make them more exciting by playing peekaboo in the undercuts.


Riding giant bicycles is amusing. Riding them naked is even more amusing.


Legend 35 "Alex Stanyon Bellis is rumoured to have a very strange middle name" apparently gave Pete no clue that Alex's middle name is Stanyon.




Growing up in Wales can give you "very good English"


Inspecting a river from a car, 50ft above the river, might not prepare you for the biggest rapids on a river. It all looks small from up there.


On a week long Alps trip, it is possible that so many people would have to buy swim beers that a group of 14 would not be able to finish them in that week.


(Most) Rivers in the Alps would be great with a foot more water.


You never know when you will need the French for "Sorry for blocking your cow path".


Lunch is not for wimps it is integral to any day. Planning should begin by 10am at the latest.


Today a Legend becomes 30 years old.


Some Legends are so good they are worth posting twice!


100m above Hawaii-sur-le-Rhone is not the best place to practice swimming!


100m above Hawaii-sur-le-Rhone is not the best place to practice swimming!


S Clu...


Waving to spectators on the graveyard can lead to you putting on more of a performance than you intended!


All those involved in raising the money for the polo boats should consider themselves true legends. Well done.


'Len Tedd is an elusive character. You won't see him for months on end but should you drink nearly a full bottle of wine, you may later be able to spot him on a rail replacement bus'


Urban Legends do not have to refer to a single event. It is quite possible for people to believe one refers to them when written by someone who thought they were writing about something completely different. The circle of life.


Legend has it that quarter finals should have 5 teams in them.


Legend has it that ALL BUSA events are subject to random changes in the times of events.


It is very annoying to have to leave a major sporting event with an enjoyable, carnival like atmosphere because you suspected you had forgotten to turn off the oven. It is more annoying still to find, when you arrive home after a 45 minute journey, that you did indeed turn off the oven.


In relation to 349, what are the fishes like down there?


Its great to smile when surfing the wave at the bitches, but make sure you are on it first. Mystery move anyone?


Mice don't swim


News travels fast.


Legend 345 does not refer to anything ornithological.


Fort William is (alledgedly) the thrush capital of Scotland. Itchy anyone?


Under no circumstances should you go paddling for a weekend in Scotland without an advanced party to check that all the rivers you drive past are doggy low. Langtrath Beck is not strictly on the most direct route between Lancashire and Fort William.


Nickleback wrote one of their songs in the queue at the butchers. Alex has a copy of this exclusive B side.


Legend has it that it is important to show a group that it is OK to portage. It is also important to show that it is OK to swim.


Putting rocks in someone elses boat can backfire.


Legend has it the sun CAN shine in Glen Etive.


Legend has it that it can be more fun to jump off a waterfall than paddle it.


Legend has it that the shuttle for the Lower Roy is significantly more fun than the river itself.


Group warm-ups give everyone involved sore necks and shoulders, almost like mild whiplash. What sort of exercises was Chris getting us to perform?


The footbridge on the Arkaig isn't much use but is very funny.


"You could fit a bus through there"


Finding a £20 note can leave you out of pocket when everyone decides you want to use it to buy a round, that comes to more than £20.


French police take no further action on motoring offences if they are embarassed from giving a rollicking to the passenger of a car they didn't realise was right hand drive. Merde!


Apparently you can get three (now four) legends out of a single swim.


Beware of the river gods - they will unleash a wrath of fury against those who decide to wear two cags 'because it will keep me dryer'; legend has it that when getting off a river the River Gods will always ensure a certain amount of wetness will be present, no matter how many cags you wear.


Pre-emptive swim beers are a noble and courteous gesture


Legend has it that challenging the River Etive to a game of 'Letterbox Lottery' twice in one afternoon can lead to problems that can only be solved by getting your legs wet.


Legend has it that live legends are legendary


Legend has it that Tom's tig reactions are truly pathetic


Legend has it that finding a crisp £20 note at the take out for the Roy can be beneficial to a large number of people.... even as many as many as 9.


On the way into Scotland you pass Loch Nearly There.


Legend has it that the sign saying "Fort William 8" is about 8 miles from Fort William, that is quite a long way.


Legend has it it is possible to continue snoring whilst awake...


"In the Summer we can build a snowman"


When moving into a new flat in the winter months, ensure you have some bedding. Otherwise you may have to spend the night sleeping next to the radiator fully dressed.


"Good skills"


Leaving your camera unattended when there are canoeists around will invariably result in photos of peoples' arses being taken. This can cause you a headache when deciding whether to get wedding photos developed.


Mark W is an enthusiastic performer of moonies. In fact, he is so enthusiastic, he may well show you more than you bargained for. This is not pleasant!


Foxy bikini clad swiss girls fid it hard to control their lust when two scrawny english blokes giving them a shuttle stop to pick up a discarded used helly from the road that has clearly been run over several times.


You should be proud if someone states that your car is very committed to paddling, even if this really means that it's a mess, stinks of wet kit and has a roadkill helly in the footwell.


It takes a long run up to be sure of hitting a frog in the middle of a road pretending to be a leaf.


Forget the sexy underwear, give me a fleecy bra anyday!


"Can I shove Dick in a wet hole"


Following on from 309, it is esepecially useful to have your cag on a paddling trip when it snows.


In the old days the prospect of DUCC not placing in a C1 slalom event would have been unthinkable.


Apparently a girl shouting "69 next please" at a gaggle of male students solicits a rude reaction. Even if one of the students is bib number 69 in a slalom competition. The dirty minds of the youth of today!


Your cag is a particularly useful item of kit to take on a paddling trip


Legend has it that Matt (Winder) would walk five hundred miles and he would walk five hundred more


Ironically, the Urban Legends is now itself an Urban Legend...


Legend has it that roads that clearly state "unsuitable for motor vehicles" are probably best avoided when performing a shuttle in a motor vehicle.


Legend has it that the internet can make a barn (complete with mice) sound like quite an up-market bunkhouse.


Legend has it that a certain church tower on Dartmoor (complete with four spires) in some way resembles a certain persons unspecified body part.


Gyrobeasts are very bendy. If secured sufficiently well they can be bent to allow both ends to touch. A few hours in the sun will return them to their original shape.


Legend has it that a bog in the Peak District is a good place to order curry from. However, such a conversation may lose you vital minutes in any race you are competing in.


Be careful when going paddling for a weekend without your girlfriend, you may discover you are less organised than you thought.




Paddles can be useful when intending to paddle the upper dart, forgetting to pack them could result in a very long trip to collect them.


Legend has it that 'grade 1' scrambles in Snowdonia can become rather more exciting when there's a foot of snow on the hill.


Apparently the best use of Uni funds is to sell a boat cheeply then replace it with an exact replica, only much more expensive.


If students have too much time on their hands they may be found rescuing half an old fibreglass boat from Durham town weir and carrying the dripping wreck back to the boathouse.


If you lose a set of paddles in Brail gorge it is possible that the honest folk of Switzerland will ensure that they make it home before you do.


You would never go hungry in Pitlochry as you can buy both the world's greatest beer and the world's largest sundaes.


Sometimes an entertaining game of shithead must be broken up because some dew dropped observer wants to go and get some pancakes.


Legend has it that Alps trips provide the best legends.


Legend has it that Gav's 'undercarriage' was once proudly displayed for all to see several feet above Rabioux wave. legend has it this was not a pretty sight...... last chicken at Sainsburys anyone???


Legend has it, if you paddle into large and obvious boulders sufficiently hard they can be seen to wobble from a very very long way away.


Many things can indicate that you are going to crash your car in the near future. Common indications include the onset of icy weather, having poorly maintained brakes, driving over broken glass and finding a basketball floating down a river.


Legend has it that roads that clearly state "unsuitable for motor vehicles" are probably best avoided when performing a shuttle in a motor vehicle.


Rumour has it that the nickname 'Two Pints' can (paradoxically) indicate that you are a hard-core drinker. All you have to do is omit the 'two' from the start of the nickname and the remainder could indicate any number of 'pints', such as 8 or 10 or 62. (Rumour is, however, fairly confident that it isn't anywhere near that many).


Rumour has it that the weather was not particularly 'george' on Dartmoor at New Year.


Rumour has it that it is entirely unnecessary to own a car and roofbars if you want to go on a paddling holiday. It is perfectly possible to hire roofbars in Sedburgh, a car in Norwich, put the two together, and spend the week on Dartmoor.


Rumour has it that some people go on holiday to Dartmoor in order to go shopping at Halfords. Some paddlers find this a bit strange.


Legend has it that it's not a good idea to tell people that they are welcome to call you 'pints', while you are drunk on New Year's Eve. The chances are that they will remember it the next morning, even if you don't. The chances are that they will also take you at your word.


Legend has it that you can avoid a £300 charge for taking a canoe on a long haul flight by telling the person at the check-in desk: 'it isn't a canoe, it's a kayak'. As there is nothing in the rules about transportation of kayaks they will then transport your boat for free.


Legend has it that if porn is in short supply then ladybird porn is always a good alternative. This is particularly the case in Derbyshire secondary schools.


Legend has it that it's possible to have held a driving licence for two years but still to need to be shown how to use a petrol pump.


Legend has it that if someone is under-confident, it isn't a good idea to tell them that 'it will all be rock and roll'. The chances are that they neither want to encounter too many rocks, nor to have to roll.


Legend has it that if you see badgers shagging in the middle of the road whilst on your way to the pub, you should stop and watch them. Legend also has it that if you watch for too long then they might charge at you.


Legend has it that the quickest way from Norwich to the River Dart is not via Derby.


It would be nice if legend stated that the surf on Boxing day '04 was huge and clean and the annual councillors' outing resulted in an epic session. It may however state that it was a bit cold and trossy for the elected representatives' old bones.


Legend has it that the track to Gwyn's house only appears after you perfrom the ancient ritual of driving past it three times. You must then utter the magic words 'where the f!*k is it?' and it shall reveal itself to you.


Legend has it that if you go into a Christian bookshop and (unwittingly) say you have been sent on a mission, it will raise eyebrows.


Don't know where he's going, got no way of knowing, Dacre's on the road to nowhere.....


Some peole find it easier to ballance whilst holding on to their own ear.


Legend has it that despite there being 8 signs to Carlisle between Hexham and Hayden Bridge, you can still get all the way to Carlisle before realising you've gone the wrong way!


The highway code is not very clear about T junctions but Alex can explain them very well. Apparently when you come to a T junction you will recognise it because you can only either turn left or right. Safety is no accident.


Legend has it that Dacre's recent road trip in a camper van with Peter Kay was filmed by Channel 4 television and has been made into a documentary


Legend has it that going to the toilet for the first time in your smart new glasses can be an ego boosting experience


Legend has it that when wearing your smart new glasses to walk around Chester city walls you may get really confused by how far the floor is away from you and fall off the bottom step because your foot looks closer than you remembered.


Sam didn't believe it was possible to have male friends without fancying them a bit, until she met Mike and Tom.


Legend has it that the geology of the Western Atlantic is similar to that of the River Tyne. As such there is a Bermuda Triangle effect just below Warden Gorge. This is known only to affect paddles.


Alex Bellis is a stalwart campaigner for the improvement and education of correct lane discipline on the nation's motorways


Len's first language is not Welsh. He seemed to get confused when asked if it was by three people in one day.


Those in the know declare Mike to be "fully grown".


It is possible to go to Klute in order that you DON'T wake up with a strange man in your room. The suggestion that this was the main incentive for the post-reunion Klute expedition is not entirely true.


Legend has it that going via Carlisle is not the quickest way home from Hexham


Apparently you can be straight and still bring your dancing shoes.


Tom Ives is an evil and wicked man. You should under no circumstances sit next to this man if you are unfamiliar with drinking games.


Legend has it that it is impossible to lose a set of paddles on the North Tyne. Legends, however, can sometimes be wrong.


Hexham B&B owners are apparently not too pleased to discover 4 people emerging from a twin room. It's best to pair off as the largest lady with the thinnest chap.


Legend has it that if you ring someone on the landline that is installed into their home, and subsequently speak to them on that line, there is no need to ask them where they are.


Guns 'n' Roses sang about Oreos.


When holidaying in France it is perfectly acceptable to shout out 'Smell thet Poo' at every available opportunity.


Legend has it that all the Fresher Girls might as well pull Rich at the Fresher's fair, "Just to get it out the way".


Where the garlic sauce comes from, no-one has been brave enough to hazzard a guess.


Just as marmite is made of the left-overs from the beer brewing process, the cheesy chips at Saddlers have their origins in the industrial rubber factory on the road to Framwelgate Moor.


An urban legend of the first order: "And this is how you bongo-slide........". The speach that inspired a generation.


Legend has it that a certain former exec member (and councellor), was once a card-carrying Marxist, and CND sympathyser. Before he went to work in a nuclear power station and all his hair dropped out.


Legend has it that Scary girl was once able to drink five pints without getting totally wrecked. A long time ago.


Legend has it that good paddlers never swim. They can, however, get "sucked out of the boat" by an exceptionally large North Sea wave.


If you're reaching in the pocket of your yellow coat for your car keys, and find something that clearly isn't a set of car keys, then it's OK to run around the beach screaming like a girl.


Bread is not a good material from which to fasion a launch pad for rockets. NASA knows this and now, following a very close call with a smouldering tent, so does DUCC.


Diesel will burn, if you can get it to ignite.


Paddling the Lachine rapids with your drain bung undone could genuinely be life threatening. If it was not for this fact Dick would certainly have found himself in the middle of the St Laurence River in a swamped boat.


Try not to leave really really smelly thermals lying around the back of paddle wagons. The resulting unloading of cars to find the offensive item may shorten your paddling day by several minutes.


If your gangsta waggon is falling behind in a convoy, simply jettison 2 of the boats from the roof and into the gravel filled ditch by the road.


Short of paddling ideas? Not to worry, just turn up on someone else's holiday!


A boat full of rocks will sink if swum out of. Only a true novice would swim out of a boat full of rocks in the middle of a very large and very deep lake.


People who cannot operate gates may become very aggressive when this is pointed out.


From the right angle you can see the newly erected street lamp illuminating the top of Low Force.


Attractive ladies will chat you up in bars in Montreal, but only if they are internet porn stars and are trying to get you to visit their site.


The most extreme seal launch spot on the Kipawa has only been tested in Sean Baker "empty boat" style.


You know when Dick's been taken in hook line and sinker when he runs off flapping his arms and screaming "Ali get the camera".


The shuttle for the Kippawa River is the longest in the world. This is especially true, since the guidebook gives no clues whatsoever as to where the get-out actually is.


Some roads in Canada lead to rubbish dumps


It is possible to drive all the way round Toronto airport. Both Lonely Planet and Rough Guide miss interesting "off the beaten track" sights in the area, such as freight depots and good U'ey spots.


It has been proved that a complimentary remark about someone's paddling will result in them immediately getting spanked. This is the curse of "NICE".


There is a theory that states you will only get severely beaten on a rapid if it has a fearsome sounding name. 'Bobbin Mill Rapid' on the River Crake contradicts this theory.


"you could die tonight"


Evidently, Yoda sleeps sitting cross-legged and snores quite loudly.


Only an olympic athlete could possibly mosh to all 3 minutes of Blur's Song 2 without collapsing in a wheezing, panting heap.


The best river take out in the world should have a jacuzzi, from which you may watch live bands in the sunshine


Apparently two blokes jumping is not enough to set off the car detector at a Maccy D's drive through.


Legend states that it will be cheep to gain entry to a lap dancing establishment when all of the dancers have gone home for the night.


Legend has it that in Quebec City, Lemon Pie is made with love.


Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney


Legend has it Matt is considered a podium dancing god in a certain nightclub in Quebec City


Legend has it the greatest mud wrestling contest of all time was the famous bout of '62


Legend has it that PT Cruisers can't turn left out of motel car parks


Craig David is determined to break Canada.


Gus likes to spend time in Phil's hole.


If you surf really well Canadian ladies will scream and whoop at you as they pass.


Rich runs more knarly lines than Pro down-river boaters.


The Lachine wave is not very inspiring.


Canadian ladies look for rugged outdoors types who are also intellectual. Having stubble and playing chess fits the bill perfectly.


When swimming in the nude Alex has "nothing to drag and slow him down"


There is no greater crime than storing pate in a coolbox.


"My fart smells like a target."


Legend has it that you can use the reflective things strapped to the side of vehicles for seeing what's happening behind you. If you can't be bothered then the people about to be crushed by a mountain bat and the rozzers trying to stop you for driving a bit funny will understand.


In days of yore Emperor Fordicus was not a responsible family man.


In days of yore Emperor Fordicus was not a responsible family man.


Legend has it that it is a long way to Hartlepool on your bike from Durham, and most of it is on dual carriageway.


Mmmmmmmmm chicken.


If you can't get out from the beach at south shields because the surf is dumping on the shore it is worth sitting in a car eating sara lea with credit cards until it gets cold and dark. The surf will then look nice and clean and you'll get a great surf sesh.


Logic therefore has it that you should pay attention when paddling grade 2/3 rivers when they are bankfull and a chocolatey-brown colour.


Legend has it that grade 2/3 bimbles with nice grade 4s at the end should not spank 2 out of your 4 best paddlers.


Legend has it that the Schuls gorge in Switzerland is a grade 2/3 bimble with a nice grade 4 at the end.


For a while Dacre believed that the best way to increase DUCC membership was to dislocate people's shoulders in the pool. Numbers did not increase but he did subsequently get elected to captain.


According to French logic there are only three reasons to go on holiday. 1) With a girl 2) Looking for a girl 3) With a canoe


Woman to Woman is the greatest compilation albumn in the world ...... ever.


Some sticks in rance are called Conrad.


If paddling a topo duo it is always worth working out which side you intend to roll on, otherwise the boat will just twitch in the water, providing great amusement for those watching on the beach but resulting in a swim for the crew member with the smallest lungs. Agreeing to roll on the left may not be enough.


Rumour has it that Alex enjoys being pressed against rocks by Mark "Alien-Pimp" Payne. Screaming out with joy as Mark "overflowed" onto him.


DUCC tradition states that in any year the majority of pins must occur on the only rock in West Tanfield.


The Tilt is a truely legendary river.


Horse flies will spend 10 minutes chasing Phil Skinner around a french beach whilst ignoring everyone else, only to get bored and wait in ambush inside his avenger.


Legend has it that ironing a helly hansen can leave a large iron shaped hole in one of the arms, as Len's mum found out.


If going too fast down abbey rapids jamming your paddles into a crack in the cliff slows you down. Unfortunately it also wraps the paddles round your neck, knocks you in, makes you swim and breaks the blade. Better than going too fast though.


"After the fourth swim I started to enjoy it." Liability Bird on tackling the mighty Onde.


Legend has it that a former member of the canoe club, affectionately known as "Dangerous" Brian, was so accident prone that he would put his helmet on immediately after collecting it from the kit room to prevent him from hurting his head when he, invariably, hit it on the door frame on his way out...


Legend has it a look of absolute terror may spread across the face of those foolish enough to throw sandals into weirs on Swiss rivers


Legend has it that trees in the Alps perch on impossible ledges.


Setting fire to your brakes on a long descent from an Alpine pass may put you in a bad mood and cause you to be very rude to the first person who talks to you.


Conventional wisdom would suggest that driving a neon along dirt tracks for 3 weeks would cause some damage to its shock absorbers. The red neon in Calgary's rent a wreck that it still slowly rocking bears testament to this as being true.


Legend has it that old women in Scotland will happily book you into their new bunkhouse weeks in advance of your Easter paddling trip. However, upon arrival don't be surprised if the old lady apologises that the bunkhouse "isn't quite finished yet" and then proceeds to wander off to the back garden with a shovel to continue digging the foundations.


"Where not going to get over that".... what Tom said to Mike seconds before a loud crunch announced they had grounded their Crysler Neon's sump on a very pointy rock whilst driving up a 'road' in BC's Clearwater valley.


John's never quite been sure why he subconsciously fancies Sam ever since his trip to Dryburn to get his shoulder fixed, the power of suggestion.


Legend has it that there is a playhole on the Rawthey which only really knarly boaters dare venture into. And when they perform their dramatic "rope trick" exit move their boat likes to stay and play for a bit longer.


Legend has it that some things aren't funny.


Browns boats legend tells of the Prince Bishop having to be towed off the bank after swerving to avoid a flatilla of wayward canoeists.


Dacre is the worlds most conscientious driver. There is nothing that you can do in the back seat of his car that will distract him from the importance of observing the road ahead.


Phil Hill once swam out of his boat at the Barrage when it was completely upright. Legend has it this is the funniest thing that has ever happened.


There is no need to rush your roll if you have prehensile lips and can breath as you drift downstream upside down slowly sculling yourself upright.


You can't be too careful about people's medical credentials, especially when a passing doctor offers to relocate your dislocated shoulder.


An ex captain once received a phone call from a member claiming to be called "Boat". Boat had phoned the captain to inform him that his new Dick had arrived and would the captain be so good as to transport his new Dick to the boathouse on his car.


If running the Lanquart it is worth checking to see if levels have changed since you inspected the foxhole before launching into it. Some days thankfully the river gods are kind.


It is a bad idea when having consumed excessive amounts of alcohol at the Tyne Tour, chundered and been put to bed; to then get out of bed and go for a walk in bare feet across the icy ground and be found sitting in an ice filled boat complaining that your feet are cold.


Apparently looking at fossils in the bank is much more interesting than watching your boyfriend getting windowshaded in a very small stopper.


It has been said that the fuel gauge is there for a reason, it has also been suggested that the red light could in fact mean its time to fill the van up...


You're All Horrid...


Allegedly it is a bad idea to put your Red Werners on the parcel shelf on a Virgin train. The staff are also next to useless at looking for them


Rumour has it that a flatwater monster at the baraj causes amusing swims by the steps


Rumour has it that p***ing into the middle of the road doesn't help the access situation


Apparently the local scallies at the Dee tour looked a lot older than 14


Allegedly moths DO go to the moon


Backbarrow bridge is "Genuine grade 6"


With reference to the below: not much.


Running steep and intimidating grade 4 is dull. Such rivers can be made more exciting by seeing how much of the rapid can be run whilst holding a patio chair.


With reference to below.... How sensible is it to ask your paddling partner to grab your feet if you get sucked down a sump whilst swimming around a boily eddy looking for your recently sunk paddles?


Do not put your paddles in the water next to you when exiting to inspect the river whilst in a committing gorge, especially if you have any suspicion that a boil may suck them under and trap them underwater. Even going swimming will not help you to find them.


Der Hotshotbluesband ist sehr gut.


Half the blades - Twice the man?


There is not truth in the legend that Liability Bird comically falls off chairs after a few drinks.


French dances have yet to take off around the world, but it is only a matter of time before the "feel your neighbour's breasts" and "air bongos" dances take Europe's clubs by storm.


"I like that I like it a lot!"


'Particularly vicious male swans' sometimes force the need for 'the only safe option': portaging.


Legend has it that the radical boats of the Acro 270 and Super Sport era are entirely inappropriate for running rivers in


Len runs the perfect line down rapids. Genuinely.


If your friend tries to steal your car keys for a joke it is considered impolite to drive over them as a means of escape.


With reference to below... Having to be rescued from an eddy because the eddy fence cannot be punched is a humbling experience.


Conventional wisdom states that Overlander Falls on the Fraser is ~14ft. You get respect from the local boaters when you say that you ran the section above it with only ~8ft of the falls showing. But you may have been lucky to get down.


Beard Focus legend states that the river Neptune can be paddled in North West England. It has never been found on a map.


Leave your car at the bottom of the river you are paddling, not the bottom of an entirely different river.


Legend states that Gav's purple 270 never ran Rookhope burn, photographic evidence is available to contradict this.


Legend has it that the rocks of solitude are more fun to swim than to paddle.


Pretending to run the grand national is a good way to stave off hyperthermia whilst waiting for your shuttle to get a hitch out of Sedburgh.


Legend has it that the bloke in the orange EZ is well fit!!!


Some people find the Antiques Roadshow highly arousing


Rumour has it that its not a good idea to leave your drain bung undone when running the Roy Gorge. At least not if you don't want to sink in the middle of a rescue...


Legend has it that Pony has a propper name as well, but no one has yet found out what it may be, Rumplestiltskin is the current favourite.


Glaciers on the south island of New Zealand are a good place for a mini reunion of DUCC.


Legend tells that no one called Scary 'Scary' to her face until she joined the canoe club.


Legend states that drinking a cocktail mixed by Pony to celebrate your election to captain could make you feel a bit ill.


Legend has it that Austrian Rottweillers are a particularly caring breed of dog and have been known to swim out into eddies to drag perplexed kayakers to 'safety' on the bank


Legend has it that the Ubaye Gorge can be scaryer than you think its going to be.


Alps Trip legend tells us that putting stubbies in the back of an Avenger for the run from the Rab down to Embrun is at best unwise and at worst "glass shards down the leg" dangerous.




Rumour has it the Arkaig in Scotland is actually quite good


A stationary Prince Bishop is very dangerous; particularly if you paddle straight in to it. It could cause a dislocated shoulder.


"Two pints" can consume legendary quantities of beer before chundering


Legend has it that a multipierced female ex-paddler can only "handle Dick in small doses"


Diggers moving house sized rocks around rivers are more entertaining than watching telly. - unfortunately they do not necessarily improve the hole needed for a big rodeo comp later that week.


Finding a basketball in a river one day, then being marooned by a basketball court while your car is fixed is too much of a coincidence.


Legend has it that fleeces may move from car boots without being touched. Investigation has shown this not to be the case, at least in blazing sunshine.


Small plastic disks sunk into the lush grass of an Alpine park may in fact be a sprinkler system. Legend has it that this park may not be the best place in the world to bivvy out, unless you like to be unexpectedly woken in the middle of the night.


Inspection is necessary at the grade 5 lake at the take out for the Isere near Bourg.


Legend has it that the Aime hole exists. Fact has it that it didn't when we went there.


Mike and Tom were once robbed of victory in the Student Rodeo Topo Duo final. They were clearly the best there, they rocked and they gave everyone beer. The judges were rubbish and needed their heads looking at. Fools!


"Why does Mike keep saying 'horse'?"


Legend has it that even balsa wood paddles disguised as carbon fibre ones will snap at the most inconvenient moment. Remember not to ditch what remains of them at the bottom of a rubbish tip. This makes later rescue of them a very unpleasant business.......




Do not be too casual when drifting down steep grade 4 Alpine Rivers. Cheekily waving at children standing on bridges high above may result in you colliding with a rock and dislocating your thumb


When undertaking epic boat rescues from Alpine gorges, wearing stout shoes may result in you being lowered into unexpected places


An unoccupied boat will float downstream, this would be a problem if you had just binned your new boat into a river whilst inspecting an Alpine river.


When bivvying out, do not wake up and laugh at the person seleeping next to you for having a slug trail mysteriously disappear off the hood of their sleeping bag, only to reappear elsewhere on the hood. Upon stopping laughing you may realise there is a squashed slug on your pillow. He who laughs last etc......


Upon hearing the full monkey story it is rude to squirt lime juice out of your nose.


Legend has it that naughty monkeys can delay your arrival at lectures.


Legend has it that the club used to own a black topo. And that it was last seen heading over swallow falls.


Ashness bridge is very pretty but sometimes things happen to take your mind off your surroundings.


The legend of excalibar rising from the deep........


It doesn't take long into your first year to realise that drinking pints of wine is both dangerous and expensive.


Claire only recently realised that two blades are better than one.


Falling asleep on the way down to the Alps damages your company car and REALLY scares your passenger.


Wouldn't it be embarassing to pin a transit on a bridge and have to be rescued by a passing french farmer in his tractor!


It is possible to clear a campfire of all females bar the one with the largest boyfriend, but only if you're sharking on anything that moves.


Swimming from a Prijon Avenger due to 'falling out of the boat' is an inherrent hazard when running chutney ferret gorge


Someone, who shall remain nameless, on being instructed to portage around a Grade 3- dribble in the Alps via a handy nearby path, was heard to bleat "Yes, but where is the path TO the path?"


Dacre played polo but only because he was scared of; (a) moving water without poles over it, (b) bridges, (c) girls.


...that the class of '95-'99 had a great time in the canoe club, lots of funny things happened to them, and most of them have far too much spare time at work...oh, and none of them ever played polo...


Your kit stays warmer and drier if you leave it in the hostel, unfortunately you miss out on running the river Roy. But you do get to raz up and down the Roy valley when some first year numpty smacks his head on the bottom of the river.


Zurich is too big to drive across in a single evening, especially if you're a bit tired.


Legend has it that the urban legend page has just turned itself upside down. Wierd!


An esteemed ex-member of DUCC once managed to break 3 demo boats in 1-hour at a the North-East's premier white water facility. Luckily for Mr **** the staff completely failed to notice, thus saving him several hundred pounds.


The most effective means of righting an upturned kayak is the famed 'highlander roll'. Guarenteed to impress the ladies and all present and in no way lead to you being driven out of DUCC and into the open arms of the floppy swords society.


Nothing will ruin a friendship more than removing a very small amount of paint from a car door frame with a set of paddles.


There is a lot to be said for putting extra paddling on full plate footrests in mountain bats before an Alps Trip.


Gav must be quite embarassed to have swum at a student rodeo.


If you are to land upside down in 3 inches of water from a 4 foot fall on the Kinglass then a reverse screw roll is a good position to be in. Mind your nose on the bottom as you roll up.


Legend has it that the epitomy of cool is hanging around shower blocks on French campsites, wearing sun visors backwards and upside down and listening to Boney M.


Smell that poo!


Not a legend, but a fact: ants don't like soy sauce.


Whole Italian villages will turn out on a Sunday morning to see some smelly students dossed out in a layby.


A key striking a tent will leave a large hole in the flysheet.


Moles dig only when people want to be asleep. Despite their big claws they struggle to dig through a groundsheet and pillow.


You can express your enjoyment of a meal in Austria by stating in fluent German that it was "mucho good". Waitresses are very impressed.


Apple strudel can help you do better tailies


Tow balls make holes in radiators when hit hard enough.


A second world war mine exploding does NOT produce a tsunami suitable for surfing.


Bollard had no standards, "slap that and riiiide the ripples"


Legend has it that age is no boundary when being lustful in the sprawling metropolis of Sowerby Bridge.


Legend has it (with reference to the above) that a glittering prize awaits any intrepid explorer who swims deep enough in the eddy at a certain Thames weir


Letting go of paddles that actually sink is rumoured not to be a particularly sensible course of action


Legend has it that broken radiators in Renault Clios (see above) can be adequately topped up with fluids from a rubber chicken.


Legend has it that doing handbrake turns in ones Renault Clio in a field opposite a certain drinking establishment, atop a hill near the speawling metropolis of Sowerby Bridge, is not a wise course of action.


Legend has it that a certain drinking establishment, atop a hill near the sprawling metropolis of Sowerby Bridge, never actually closes.


Rumours are rife that the roof of a hired transit van may once have been slightly 're-shaped' after a number of nameless DUCC members decided it would be a great place to hold a party


Legend has it that beer used to be less than £1/pint at the Bailey Bars before the locals complained that the bottom end of South Bailey was akin to a slow flowing river as pre-owned cheap drinks made their way downhill to trickle into the Wear above Prebends.


Legend has it that within Durham there is a mysterious drinking establishment populated by cardigan wearing youngsters. This den of debating iniquity is locatable only when the searcher is drunk and its name shall forever be known as “24”.


Legend has it that to paddle the MagicBat was such a luxury that some members of the club would go so far as to convincingly imitate having spaggy legs for the privilege.


Canoe Club politics once got so bad that many members of the exec were forced to be painfully polite to ex-members of the exec, to the point of having to "show them some respect".


Too much penetration is, according to playboating wisdom, "no good for retentive moves". Modern advances in playboat design give the lie to this, however, especially for air loops


Legend, and in fact, fact, has it that at one time (in days of yore) DUCC members to a man / woman would scoff at the very mention of canoe polo


Legend has it that the water at Holme Pierrepont is full of Urban Flavas........


Legend has it Mike R once wanted to be a Ghostbuster!


Legend has it that the second weekend in March is a dangerous one for ex-ducc paddlers who go in search of flood water. Whose turn is it next????


Mike is the most daring person we know.


Legend has it that the bouncers at Cafe Rock are not aware of the 6th form tradition of sitting down during James sit down. (ask your parents who James were, they were old skool indie ie made music and played instruments, a bit like busted)


Legend has it that the floor of Cafe Rock (target reference!) is a very comfortable place to sit.


You get a big thank you for rescueing boats swept down the Inn.


Skookumchuck rocks!


........... and Stig has never been more scared than when we then chased him around the campsite with a cigarette lighter


Stig has never felt cleaner than the time he cleansed himself in meths..........


Dacre wroe may once have run up and down Ellis Leazes wearing the only clothes Mother Nature intended. The things people will do for a Pepsi cup....


Gwyn has been mistaken for a leggy blonde.


It has been suggested that Len's world is related to the real world, this has been shown to be false.


Stig is taily king.


Pete Ford is both a god of paddling and a god of slalom, yet still swims down HPP.


It is possible to be captain of DUCC for a whole year without once openning your eyes.


If you're destined for international competition it is possible to stand a crossfire on its tail down chutney ferret gorge.


Conventional wisdom has it that a pootle down grade 2 may not fully prepare you for the Kickinghorse in high levels. This is of course wrong.


If you are inspecting the grade 2 sections the river is probably quite high. Keeping going towards the mini gorge might not be a good idea.


If surfing a wave it is worth a quick check to see what is immediately down stream. Just in case there is a monster boxed in hole.


Oft repeated but rarely believed - the barrage is fast flowing and deep.


Laura is NOT a liability.


Jon Marlow makes a very good sledge, especially in pertex pants.


No situation has yet been found in which it is not worth mentioning that you are a TI.


To the best of my knowledge, nobody has ever sat on Gwyn's T-piece and told him that they love him. This situation probably remains, despite numerous requests.


Time and tide wait for no man.... especially not when you get collared by the law for doing 100+mph on the A5 in a race to make it to the Swellies on time


Anything that feasibly could have happened, ever, happened to Sam Willey.


Rumour has it that Mike and Tom were named "Councillors" because of their erstwhile ability to say the same things on any given subject regardless of the physical distance between them.


Alex Stanyon Bellis is rumoured to have a very strange middle name


Gavin Harte is particularly adept at locating the presence of portages


Gavin Harte: "I am the spide...gurgle, blub"


Gavin Harte once sat in a glacial meltwater river in the Alps reading a paper. Strange chap - but likeable enough.


The police do not always let you keep what you find in a river.


Sometimes it is better to be lucky than good.


"what a good idea" - Earl Exon of Sandwich on being presented with food held between two slices of bread - hence the name.


Legend has it that only Mike Redding and Tom Ives use this page


Legend has it that Tom and Matt paddle like sheep, blindly following those who choose to make atrocious errors of judgement in the last eddy above hard Grade V+ portages on heinously flooded Welsh rivers. Legend also has it that 3 intrepid ex-DUCC explorers may have survived such an incident by the skin of their teeth....


The Swale looks a lot more intimidating in the flesh than in a book.


"Sandra" "Bahnhoff"


Salad cream is mayonaise for poor people.


...just one word..."girth!"


It has been said that walking around Barny Castle asking for the police station dressed in neoprene with the word 'Nookie' brazened across your arm results in some funny looks from the locals.


Boofs are useful, if in doubt ask. Your Guardian Angel won't always be there to help.


Legend has it that some rivers flow east, this has not been confirmed.


Experience has shown that certain washing facilities in Collingwood can cause unsuspecting ladies to pass out.


The rumour that Mr Redding is unable to tell the difference between grade 1+ and stonking 2- is believed to be based in fact.


"There are lots of places called "Ausfahrt" in Germany aren't there?" - Mike "Globetrotter" Redding


Jon Marlow will always win a wrestling match against Dacre, especially when clad only in magic roundabout boxer shorts


"I wonder why all those rozzers are wearing bouyancy aids?" - Pony, on confronting her Majesty's finest bullet-proof vest clad officers while road surfing a shopping trolley in Hexham


Mr. Hopper was once found in bed with a brand new black Topo


Dacre is famously a crap snog, I've heard.


Martin once fell asleep in the Dun Cow wearing nothing but a pair of moist boxer shorts. He went on (some weeks later) to pull the barmaid who discovered him.


Mike and Tom have seen a 4 inch witch


Dacre Wroe was once delighted that the leggy blonde of his dreams had joined the club. Unfortunately, he succeeded in scaring her off by proving he had a 'spare helmet' to use when shooting Prebends weir


I've seen Ed Hopper swim - it was hillarious. The things people will do for a large wooden fish.


A skilled and respected paddler from DUCC once nearly ruined his friend's trip to the paddling paradise of the Canadian Rocky Mountains by nearly dying on the second day


Phil Skinner was briefly (and ironically) known as "Legend". Legend has it that the second wave is better than the first


It has been said that the best way to test your newly purchase blade is swim next to it down the tumultuous Mill Race Rapid on the North Tyne


Tyne Tunnel: Legend has it that the Tyne Tunnel goes under something


An ex-Treasurer has had a sex change in order to further his TV boating career, a drastic step but the only way to be known as a dangerous woman


Rumour has it that an ex-treasurer (and councillor?) was once foolish enough to tackle the raging torrent of the Upper Ubaye with an incorrectly assembled set of split paddles. This resulted in an epic swim on a section of Grade 1+. Any tales of this rapid being Grade 2- are completely untrue.


Bollard: Although only Bollard can really tell you I always though he was christened by the cycle club in his first year because of his habit of riding directly into stationary objects, such as.......bollards. I suppose bollards would be preferable to the truck he rode into in the states. There is truth in the rumour that he has had his wicked way with a young lady who works for a subscription porn TV channel


Bollard: Why was Bollard called Bollard? Well, it’s nothing to do with his flame-coloured hair. Apparently he once went out, got pissed, and ran down a street with a Traffic Bollard on his head… and who said students weren’t inventive?

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