Almack's Consolation

[Divider]

Strong language has been removed from this version to comply with Durham University's web guidelines. Nevertheless, do not read this if you are likely to be offended. You do so at your own risk.

The following is reported to have been overheard on top of a desolate hilltop some miles from Durholme in the early hours of Saturday morning. This is as yet unconfirmed. The speaker is believed to be undead, possibly vampiric.

"Come on, Almack. Cheer up! You know what they say...

Your life was pretty bad,
It completely drove you mad.
Those things that made you chant and swear and curse...
But when life is getting smelly,
Don't grumble, raise a skelly!
And this'll help things turn out for the worse!
And...

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>

If death seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's the undead legions that you ran.
You came so close, but missed -
All your friends have been dismissed -
But at least you've now escaped from Cadian!
So...

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>

Come on!!

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>

Your life was quite absurd,
Death's no longer the final word,
But we'll always face the PB with a bow.
We'll remember all your sin,
And your hideous, malformed grin,
Forget it! It's a s*** job anyhow.
And...

Always look on the bright side of death!

Now that you've drawn your terminal breath!

Death's a piece of crud
When you're devoid of flesh and blood,
Death's a laugh and life's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show,
So keep on raising as you go -
Just remember, the last laugh was on you!

And...

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>

Always look on the bright side of death!
<Whee-whew, whe-whew-whe-whew whe-wheew>"

<Fades into the distance...>

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